Grieving your loved one

It’s common to go through a wide range of emotions, especially in the first few weeks after the suicide. Some of these feelings may contradict each other. Others may fade away and then return. Here are some of the emotions you may have as you grieve:

• Shock. You may, for instance, feel detached from the event. This is a natural response to trauma. Shock can help you function. Many people find they must detach themselves from the tragedy while they deal with the logistics of death, such as end-of-life preparations.

• Denial. It’s common to refuse to accept the fact of another’s death. This can be especially true with a suicide. There is nothing wrong with wanting to shield yourself from the details of your loved one’s death. But in your own time, it’s important to accept what has happened. This will allow you to move forward with your grief.

• Guilt. This is often reported by those who have lost a loved one to suicide. You may wonder how you could have prevented it. How did you miss the signs? Again, this is natural. But it's important to know that you’re not to blame for your loved one’s death.

• Sadness. This feeling may last longer than the others. It can be triggered by reminders of your loved one. This will never fade entirely. In time, the reminders may bring back not only sad memories, but happy ones, too.

• Anger. It may be confusing to feel angry at the person you’ve lost. You may ask, “How could they have done this to me?” Anger is often a key step in grieving. It is as valid as any other emotion you have during this time. Remember that you can still care deeply for your loved one while feeling upset about their actions.

You may also keep thinking about “Why?” Suicide and its motivations can be hard to understand. Even if you know your loved one struggled with their mental health, you may still have questions.

As hard as the grieving process is, try to accept the reality of what happened. But know that acceptance does not mean forgetting about your loved one. It means remembering their life, not just their suicide. It also means learning how to move on with your own life.

Ways of coping

While your grief is unique to you, you don’t have to cope alone. You can:

• Keep a journal. Writing your feelings down is a great way to process them. You can also write letters to your loved one, saying what you never got to say.

• Celebrate the positive parts of your loved one’s life. Note their accomplishments and share photographs and stories of them with others.

• Take care of yourself. Eating healthy and being physically active are important. Let yourself take part in things you used to enjoy, too. You’re not betraying your loved one’s memory by having fun.

• Avoid self-medication. Drugs and alcohol may ease your pain at first. But over time they will only create more problems.

• Give it time. Even if others feel you should move on, don’t rush yourself. There is no correct timeline.

Grieving the loss of someone who died by suicide can make you feel isolated. If you’re finding it hard to be open with others about your loved one’s death, you’re not alone.

Confronting the stigma

The stigma around suicide can make it even harder to talk about. This can be especially true if suicide clashes with your religious values. The subject might not be openly discussed in your community. Or some people may be uncomfortable talking about it.

To manage this challenge, try finding people you can confide in without being judged. Whenever you feel ready, try talking about your grief with a friend or family member. During and before your conversations, try to:

• Be patient. The other person may also be processing your loved one’s suicide. Some friends and family members may not yet be able to support you in the way you need.

• Accept any discomfort or awkwardness. But be sure to also mind your own boundaries. If you start to feel uncomfortable talking about the subject, stop the conversation.

• Think about what your friends or family might ask you. Consider your answers to these questions before the conversation. It's also helpful to know in advance what information you do not want to share. This way, you’ll feel more comfortable going into it.

Dealing with complicated grief

You may find that over time your grief does not wane. Reminders of your loved one are still frequent and just as overwhelming. Your feelings may even seriously interfere with your life. This type of prolonged grieving is called complicated grief. This may mean:

• You can't stop feeling pangs of grief over your loved one.

• You start to avoid anything that reminds you of your loved one.

• You have recurring thoughts of your own death.

• You have symptoms of depression.

It can be hard to know if your grief is complicated. After all, there is no firm definition of what’s normal. Everyone has their own timeline. But if your grief is getting in the way of your work or relationships after several months, contact your healthcare provider. They will connect you with the right help. You don’t have to cope alone. There are counselors and support groups available for people who have lost a loved one. For more information, go to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline website to find a counselor or support group in your area.

In a crisis

If you are thinking of harming yourself, call or text 988 or 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) right away. You will be connected to trained counselors who are part of the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline . An online chat option is also available. This service is free and available 24/7.